I've come to one inescapable conclusion about caffeine: I need it. I
cannot live without it. I've done without it for the past several
weeks, and it's not happening again. Not if I want to be fully alive.

This past month was one of the most impoverished I've suffered for a
long time. (Not as bad as the previous two. Not by a long shot.)
Thanks to an unanticipated $633 electricity bill, along with the
planned-for first month's rent and monthly bus pass, I was completely
tapped out. My wallet and checking account were empty. Bare. For four
very long weeks. I'll probably never discover how my $493 from last
year happened, as the bill was never in my name, neither was the rent.
The point is, I could only afford to purchase the most necessary and
the cheapest food items. This ruled out my morning 120mg dose of
power-drink caffeine.

Unless there was some all-important reason for me to get  out of bed,
I overslept. Always. Every day. Sundays were the exception, church
being my lifeline, almost literally, during my present crisis of
severe depression. Being with other people moves me further from the
emotional black hole that my life became when in isolation. Being with
friends at a religious- humanist church that even Atheists like myself
are also valued members enables me to smile, feel good about myself. I
needed that. Nothing less can motivate me to get out of bed.

Unless I've had my two packets of powdered energy in less than 8
ounces of water. Strong enough to make my mouth cave in, sure. But
with that small amount of liquid right at my bedside, I only need to
drink that right after my alarm goes off and stay in bed until I feel
like getting up. Less than ten minutes later, with no snooze alarm
necessary, ever.

Being alive is not enough for me. I want and need to live my life as
fully and meaningfully as possible. Not having to force myself from
slumber every morning is an important part of my overall strategy.

Whatever it takes to live, right?

blog/april2012:  I believe that a prosperous future for all humanity
is possible. The strange thing is, if that becomes a reality I
wouldn't want to live in it. Instead I'd rather live here & now, in
this dangerous, time & place in history. I feel the need to take part
in making that enlightened future closer to reality.
     The Reason Rally I attended was amazing and beneficial.
Immediately after, I decided to focus on two major goals: Involve
myself in "Recovery From Religion" (dogmatic, high-control
religions/cults), and raise awareness regarding what science, &
evolution really is, as opposed to what millions have been misled into
believing. One of the first strategies is to post videos on Youtube
and other sites. Once I've gotten the hang of it, perhaps I might
enlist the aid of volunteers for bigger projects, who knows? The
endless are possibilities! I want to take college courses to enhance
my capabilities. And have a career instead of remaining on disability.
I know I need help & encouragement. I need to get over my hesitation
to put myself on the internet for the whole world to criticize, mock,
insult, and maybe be listened to by people who actually like some of
my cerebral output. (Bizarre fantasy, but hey, ya never know!)
I wanted to let you in on what's happening in my little world, start
getting accustomed to reaching out to people, something I rarely do.

blog/2012: (to Theresa) I have never loved a cat as deeply as I love
Loonie. Why is that? Why does he mean so much to me??

I've lost everyone n everything from my former life; that hurts, every
friend I ever had being torn away from me, as  if they were parts of
my body, ripped off by the blind, uncaring Watchtower policemen.

That is why I fell hard in love with you. I needed you  to stop the
bleeding & save my soul. And seeing how Loonie loved me,
unconditionally, made me feel loved even more. During those times when
you went on your warpath, stabbing me with insults & hatred is when I
needed him most, as he was the only friend I ever had, because he
never hurt or rejected me.

I know he doesn't love me like that. It's impossible for a cat to
understand the depth & complexity of human beings. But he loved being
in my arms, felt safe & wonderful as I petted & massaged him, and
enjoyed being in my presence. He will always, always be loved n
cherished by his Daddy.

blog/2012: "The cure for a fallacious argument is a better argument,
not the suppression of ideas." -Carl Sagan

blog/2012:   Atheism offers nothing to me.
It never has and never will.
It doesn't make me feel good or comfort me,
It's not there for me when I'm sick or ill,
It can't intervene in my times of need
It won't protect me from hate,
It doesn't care if I fail or succeed,
It won't wipe the tears from my eyes,
It does nothing when I have got no where to run,
It won't give me wise words or advice,
It has no teachings for me to learn,
It can't show me what's bad or nice,
It's never inspired or excited anyone,
It won't help me fulfill all my goals,
It won't tell me to stop when I'm having fun,
It's never saved one single soul,
It doesn't take credit for anything I achieve,
It won't make me get down on bended knee,
It doesn't demand that I have to believe,
It won't torture me for eternity,
It won't teach me to hate or despise others,
It can't tell me what's right or wrong,
It won't tell anybody that they can't be lovers,
It's told nobody that they don't belong,
It won't make you think life is worth living,
It has nothing to offer me, yeah, that's true,
But the reason Atheism offers me nothing is because I've never asked it to.
Atheism offers nothing because it doesn't need to,
Religion promises everything because you want it to,
You don't need a religion or to have faith,
You just want it because you need to feel safe,
I want to feel reality and nothing more,
So atheism offers me everything,
That religion has stolen before.
-Richard Coughlin

blog/2012:   I need Loonie SO BAD right now!!!

I have never loved any cat as much as I love you, my sweet little
Loonie. You love me no matter what. You've always loved me as you've
loved your Mommy. You are a sweet and awesome cat!

Your Daddy did not want to leave, ever. I didn't abandon my little
boy; I had to move away so your Mommy won't hurt me again with her
anger. She never wanted to hurt me, ever. She's been very, very good
to me. But sometimes she yells and says hurtful things. But I love
your Mommy. I can't live with her anymore, even though I do love her.
You love her too, don't you? Of course you do, you good boy Loonie!
She's a wonderful Mommy, isn't she? I love her too!
But I can't live without my awesome Loonie. And I need Gizmo and
Squeaky in my life too, so I will come to visit as often as I can, I
promise! We'll play together, be together, and we'll even take naps
together, with me patting you, giving you soothing massages for very
long times! And I will hold you as you sleep in my arms. Just like old
times!
I love you Loonie. I love you more than you will ever know.
-Your Loving, Caring Daddy

blog/26sept2012:  The policy of shunning former members of Jehovah's Witnesses:

"Suppose that a doctor told you to avoid contact with someone who is
infected with a contagious, deadly disease. You would know what the
doctor means, and you would strictly heed his warning. Well, apostates
are ‘mentally diseased,’ and they seek to infect others with their
disloyal teachings. (1 Tim. 6:3, 4) Jehovah, the Great Physician,
tells us to avoid contact with them. We know what he means, but are we
determined to heed his warning in all respects?” (The Watchtower 2011,
July 15th, page 16, paragraph 6).

My family, my friends, every single person I knew and loved before
2008 believe I am a deadly disease. Many people in my situation have
taken their own lives. You can see why. I am unable to forgive the
dictators that call themselves the "Governing Body" of the Watchtower
Bible and Tract Society. The rage within me will subside because I
want to live. I still love everyone that are cut off from me. I never,
ever blamed them because they don't know. However, there will never be
any forgiveness towards the men who rule with total control over the minds of Jehovah's Witnesses.

I can't.

blog/16apr2013:  Did you know that hurricane Sandy was the result of a
Butterfly stirring up pollen in Pakistan? They have that Effect, which
makes them dangerous insects!

The Higgs-Boson discovery is one of the most dramatic events ever that
demonstrates how studying the smallest-scale phenomena is essential
for understanding the macroscale that is our universe. Life is like
that. Our search for ultimate understanding and meaning in life will
be fruitless if we never take notice of and appreciate the smallest,
seemingly insignificant details around us along with the grand view of
everything we can percieve.

Question: I don't like using the term "Big Bang" to describe the
beginning of our universe, it being somewhat inaccurate & misleading.
Does anyone know of a suitable replacement? "Primordial Quantum Event"
is one of my inventions. Idk.  But if we're stuck with that, the
hypothesis that the universe will terminally collapse should be named
the opposite: "Gnab Gib."

Catholics were especially jubilant over the Higgs-Boson discovery,
because without it they can't have mass!

blog/16apr2013: I am concerned about the lasting damage that seems to
have resulted from my suicide attempt in January, after being
unconscious for almost two days in the woods. Recalling names, dates,
facts etc is more difficult; My momentary bouts of confusion, when I
completely forgot what I was doing, where I am, is lessening, but very
frightening. Even the simplest tasks are very difficult to perform.
As an experiment I am going to take a class, Intro to Web Design. I
need to see if I can actually complete the class, if so how well I can
perform. I assume that if I can do that, I may be alright, I can start
my college education with confidence, I can start living with hope.

It's extremely difficult to do anything right now. Yes, major
depression is a major obstacle, but saying "I don't feel like doing
it." sounds like a pathetic excuse for not living this one life I
have.

blog/tue16apr2013: I know, I might be too attatched to Easter. Instead
of going outside for the day she's staying inside, probably because
I'm still here. I am on disability without a job or a demanding
schedule, but there are things I need to do out there. Using the
library's wifi is one. I need to do the usual email, check the weather
forecast (without a car, I need to plan, know whether raingear is
necessary...) check the news and I'm always researching something:
coping with depression+trauma, learning evolutionary psychology,
society, cephalopods (octopus, squids, etc) etc etc etc.
And get going on college preparation.

But I'm home, free to do one of several projects that also need my
attention, such as my autobiography, documenting the recent life
crisis I barely survived so I can learn from my experiences, and
creative writing needs to get started.

I know- I need to narrow down and prioritize or I'll get nothing done.
But at least I'm home, which is what Easter wants. And in the context
of recent events, I really need to be with caring people who enjoy
having me around. Both human-people at church & elsewhere and my
feline-person here who adores me.

I need that.

blog2/mon15apr2013: Today's not a total waste. Write random tboughts,
some not so random. Easter spent the day inside with me instead of
outdoors. Bachelor-cat bonding. That's nice!
I can't let myself become obsessively attatched to her like I did with
Loonie. Theresa + I raised him from kittenhood, he's very
affectionate, playful & silly and was the only person that was happy
to see me every time I came home. I needed him, he was there for me.
Because of Theresa, I may never see my little boy again. Not knowing
if he's still alive is painful.
Easter's helping me heal this wound. There will always be scars, raw &
sensitive to the touch. But she's here, attatched to me. Not like
Loonie was. But We've been together for less than a month, she's grown
up without me. That's fine, I accept that totally. We're staying
together.
She's an outdoor cat. She's spent her entire life in this park.
If/when I move out, it'll be very hard on her, obviously. I'll keep
her indoors for at least 2 weeks before I let her out.
If the place I move to doesn't allow cats, I'll look somewhere else.
She's a part of me. But I'm staying here for maybe 2+ years. Nice
apartment, area for both of us.

blog/mon15apr2013: I am lazy, sluggish, depressed, sad, apathetic.
Well, that's what I think I am. Drop the lazy & apathetic parts, keep
the non-judgemental ones, will make for more accuracy.

(I need so bad to improve my writing skills. And art skills. And...
and... and...)

There are many pursuits that are important to me, causes that are
needed in this world. Yet I languish. I know I've been hurt, injured,
traumatized, suffered heavy losses. That's no excuse. It's a reason
I'm not doing anything, true. My gray matter resists anything
ambitious because catastrophe destroyed everything I worked so hard to
achieve. So why bother? I'm only setting myself up for failure again,
to be crushed again.

Reasoning achieves the opposite conclusion. I'm grateful to have that
part of my brain intact, but it's not enough. There's too much
distance between reasoning & emotions to counter my inertia. Giving up
is stronger, deeper, an artifact from childhood fear + intimidation
that protected me from getting hurt again. Only the experience of
overcoming paralysis can help me overcome paralysis.

I need to come up with something better!

blog/thurs04apr2013: Last night I gave Easter her first, badly needed
flea bath.
Without clipping her claws first.
I will never, ever be that lazy again. Ever!

blog/sat30mar2013:  Easter was with me all night. Just like Loonie
used to. I will always miss him, my little boy since kittenhood. I'm
glad he can't miss me in the same way: crying, hurting & angry from
betrayal. Throw in depression and suicidal thoughts and you will have
one messed up cat! I just need to know if he's okay, if he's alive. If
he's at all happy.

I now have Easter in my life. I thought I could never have another cat
in my life after losing Loonie. Having her isn't the same, nor should
it be. I still can't say that I love myself, but the self-hatred has
dropped a few notches. The future possibility of me being happy has
raised a few notches. I'm going to be okay. I'll look into adopting
her, legally, getting her shots, fixed if she's not pregnant. The cost
of all that, plus cat carrier, the nearest veterinarian, etc etc. I've
got some shopping to do. $$$, $$$, $$$...

Off to the library, its wifi, to upload this and so much more. It
sucks not having internet, but not that much cuz the library's within
walking distance, and Starbucks and other places with free wifi are
even closer. So I can't complain really. In many ways, life is good!

My next-door neighbor & his wife feed her & other cats right outside
their door every day. He told me it's a relief to see her having a
home with me. She was abandoned by a previous tenant. I told him I
named her Easter. So he, his wife and everyone can call her that
instead of "Little One."

blog/fri29Mar2013:  I'm still alive. I still have a gaping hole within
me- Theresa my exgirlfriend, Kay her daughter, Loonie, our little boy
since kittenhood, one of the best friends I ever had in my entire
life. I admit, often I feel more heartbroken over losing Loonie; he
was always happy to see me come home, he was always there for me as I
was for him. Affection, playing silly cat-games, and almost every
night he'd cuddle with me as I'd pet him for 15 or 20 minutes before
we fall asleep. Purring is one of the most beautiful sounds in life;
making him happy just as he makes me feel loved. And he will never,
ever hurt his daddy. Not the way human-people have. I hope his mommy
still has him and is taking good care of him. Theresa needs Loonie
too. And Gizmo. Squeaky- poor girl's afraid of everybody except
Theresa's mom. I hope she's with her. Mom really needs Squeaky.

I got a new surprise yesterday: Easter! That's what I decided to call
her. Three days b4 Easter is spring, a season of renewal. Like my life
is now: a new beginning after so much loss. Yesterday & today I gave
her a bit of food inside my apt 2X's daily. After, I'd pet the
severely affectionate feline, play, get my hands scratched up a bit-
she constantly kneads with her sharp-nailed paws! Meh, it's worth it.
I have so much healing that needs to happen, and Easter's helping a
lot.

 blog/27mar2013: Im hurting so bad right now. I need my cat, my little
boy. I need Loonie in my arms right now.
Are you alright? Do you still live with Mommy? I miss you! Is she good to you?
Please Theresa, tell me you didn't kill him. Please show me a picture
of him, with Hi Daddy written on paper next to him so I'll know it's
not an old pic. I need to know he's alive.
I forgive you for all you've ever done to me. Just please show me
Loonie is still alive.
Please!

blog/26mar2013: Theresa + I are no longer together since January. I
was unable to withstand her abuse, she expelled me from her home and
used lies to get a yearlong injunction against me. I am trying to
recover from that, her family believing her sick delusion that I might
kill her, several weeks of being homeless, and being severed from one
of the best friends I ever had, our cat Loonie.

I do go to UUC every week; it is my lifeline. But for now I am
struggling with severe depression. I am grateful for my ability to
understand her illness. I believe she really was suffering from
paranoid delusions. I don't hate her. I really hope she makes a full
recovery from post-surgery trauma and secondary complications.

Easter, celebration of renewal, a new life. I sleep too much, to hide
from nightmares that are no longer happening. I need every reminder
that this is now Spring, the start of a new season of life. I need
help waking up, getting out of bed and do the necessary tasks to live.

blog/20mar2013:  I almost finished  my blog entry here, on my phone,
when it got erased. Idk how it happened. I just know that, from now
on, anything of any length must be broken up into smaller bits. When I
upload, I'll put it all together. By upload, I mean copy/paste. In
case anything goes wrong in the process, I won't lose what I've made.