The Greatest Blasphemy

If there is an almighty deity that created everything, then those who claim to know the mind of God, who tell you what God thinks and how He will judge and condemn people; Those people are the greatest of all blasphemers.

Spineless

My life would have been so much better; more meaningful, more accomplishments, more skillful if I had a backbone. If my life belonged to me instead of being decided by whoever, whatever.

god i hate myself

Benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome

its not enough that they die, im realizing. i want to pull this one psycho bitch out of the ground, break her face, her ribs for what she tried to do to me (push me to suicide, i shit you not) and throw her back into her grave. this isn't who i am. it never was.

this is part of my welcome to benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome. 

dark musing: bullying

every single one of you that derive pleasure from tormenting innocent people physically, online, or by fucked up mind games at work, in relationships or elsewhere: kill yourselves. i mean that. you're irredeemable trash, cheerfully ignorant of the damage you're doing both to your victims and indirectly to society. go rot in hell. the world will be a beautiful place without you.

i say this on behalf of those who've died by suicide because of you and those who survive but aren't able to be truly alive because of the deepest injuries you've inflicted. your own lives are worthless. end it already.

this isn't what i think but it's how i feel.

The Orange (2020, comedy)

I'm imagining a story Orange President, a novel, preferably a movie inspired by Canadian Bacon. The name will need to be changed later but for now... Remember that Roger Moore movie, denigrating Canada as this clean beautiful country with polite sensible citizens? Orange would insult the political opposition as being a bunch of compassionate reasonable lefties gullible to science and reason.

The main characters somehow make divisive belligerent conservatism seem like positive attributes in comedic fashion, in the same way Canadian Bacon made the ignant incivility of America the "right" way. I may be exaggerating about that movie, it's been many years since I've seen it, but...

The Orange (I'd change names later) was never meant to win, yet somehow he did, everyone associated with him are only semi-good at campaigning, are completely unprepared, unfit for the White House. Plot? I think we'd have to wait until the four years of the present administration is up before it'll crystallize.

9/11 non-insight

Like most Americans I remember that morning. I getting ready for work that Tuesday morning when my wife told me a plane collided into a building in New York. The first thing I noticed when looking at the tv was the blue sky. I told her I can't see how a pilot could mistakenly hit a building, even if he were drunk. Was this a commercial passenger flight (God I hope not!!), or was it a private jet, in which case it's possible an idiot jet owner/pilot could have incapacitated himself. I concluded it was an aircraft malfunction. I dimly recalled a collision years before in which a pilot tried to steer one way, the automated system attempted to steer a different way due to misinterpretation of whatever, and the jet hit a mountain. Maybe...

Fifteen minutes later, as I was leaving she told me the other building was hit. Instantly I knew we were at war. The US was at war with a foreign power. I overreached in concluding how different our lives were going to be. The draft will be reinstated. Gas and food would be rationed. I'm not old enough to remember WWII but I heard the many stories.

The next day at home I heard a jet engine overhead. I rushed out to see what kind of craft it was. During the abnormal silence of the skies when every flight was grounded I was curious. Not frightened, I just wanted to look but didn't see it in time. Oh well.

I was eventually relieved that American society didn't go through the same turmoil of 60 years earlier, but at the same time knew many things would be different from now on.

I hope you're not reading this thinking I have some deep insight to impart. I'm just, idk...

Imperfect resurrection dream

I miss my Snowball. He passed away two years ago from kidney failure. I still have with me his mom Easter and siblings Dude and Ladybug.

A few nights ago I dreamt he came back. Not like in Pet Sematary, something evil that only resembles my baby boy. This was really him. But like Judd Crandall (played by John Lithgow) said, "They don't come back the same."
His body was distorted with strange lumps all over and with ice-blue skin underneath. He kept trying to eat nails and other metal objects. But he still loved me, was happy to play with me. Aside from the creepy strangeness this really was my Snowball. Or as I often called him, Thnow-BEE! 

But he was with us for only a few days before kidney failure takes him again so I was devoting the time left to making all four cats as happy as I could, play and love together with Thnowie...

If you could get a loved one back, imperfectly resurrected for just a few more days, you would wouldn't you? I would too if I had assurance that such bizarre defects wouldn't cause intolerable suffering. Or damage the brain, causing such a change in personality that it wouldn't be my loved one. I believe I can look past whatever grotesqueries may manifest.

That was so intense.