I'll live. Keep the positive in mind, what makes me a good, decent human being. Not easy.

I was never evil. I was never wicked. I never hated Jehovah God. My only "crime" was learning facts about the natural world. Undisputed facts that the Bible contradicts. Mountains of facts, of evidence. They are from different, almost unrelated areas of scientific research, yet they always converge to the same set of conclusions.

Humanity was NOT created 6,000 years ago.

We are the products of unguided evolution. Our existence was never certain, was never purposed, and almost didn't happen. That purpose and meaning does not exist for us means we need to discover it on our own. There is much dignity and wonder in this. There is also the mandate to learn everything we possibly can about ourselves, how we all (meaning all life) came to be the way we are. Learning about our universe, our world, our existence is the most beautiful adventure you can ever travel. Once you start, you will never, ever be the same. Enlightenment will do that to you.

And it may destroy the only life you've ever known before now. A life constructed upon the lies of cults and religions can burst into flames from the smallest spark of truth. I know. At first I tried to stop my house of cards from collapsing, a catastrophe when Reality pulled out one single small card of error. Science was the method I used to investigate, to research and verify that my religion was The Truth. The opposite happened.

May your thinking be as an Agnostic, always knowing you don't know everything about anything. Your mind will have no certainties to rest upon, always driven to doubt, to learn, to grow and flourish.

May your living be as an Atheist, compelled to find true happiness, joy and meaning in this only life we have, taking sole responsibility for this only life you have. Against the most stupifying odds, you won the lottery of being alive. The world does not owe you anything.

Genuine Atheism is never arrogant, but extremely humbling. Just as knowledge about the natural world and our place in it is extremely humbling, yet empowering.

I was never evil. I always loved truth, and I have always loved every single one of you. Every friend I ever had, my mother and sister, I was never mad at you for cutting me off. It was the Watchtower Society that did that to me, that does that to countless others. As Jehovah's Witnesses, you did not know.

John, I am sorry for not taking the time to talk, to know you as my brother. I know you grew up to be a loving, hardworking father. Please forgive me for not knowing more than that.

Theresa, Kayla, you have taught me more about human nature. You forced me to dispose of what I thought I knew to make room for more accurate understanding. The process was extremely painful. And often, it was fucking hilarious- I am so grateful to you two! As I am for countless others.

My cat Loonie, I love you so much. You really love me, I know. But your Daddy must go now. I am so sorry. You have Mommy, Gizmo and Squeaky to love now. And Mommy loves you and needs you. You are such a good boy, it hurts me to leave. I am so sorry Loonie. I won't be around to play, hold you, pet you and sleep with you. I love you will all my heart, always, forever.

I still have many reasons to be angry. Bt the anger is gone. Now there is only rest.

I love you all.

This is goodbye.   -Phoenix Knight, aka Erik  (17Feb1967-27Dec2012)

Life/Reality is-

Life is Beautiful. Life is Horrific. Life is Everything in between.

As a religious believer, I only saw this present life as something to endure. My entire life was spent preparing for a post-Armageddon world where true, lasting happiness will finally be possible. When Jehovah's Witnesses face hardships, the response is automatic: "I can't wait for the New System!" "Jehovah's New World will be here soon, then no one will need to endure this (insert painful event here)!" This life needs to be endured, because it is terrible. It's not part of God's original plan for us, it is Satan's world, at emnity with Jehovah's Kingdom. Yadda Yadda (insert scriptures here) Yadda.

I never knew that shedding belief in a god could open up amazing possibilities! There is beauty in this life! Yes, the tradegies are still here, but it's not a result of a God/Satan, Good/Evil struggle. It's because nature has no rewards/punishments, no mercy or malice inherent in its design. There is only cause/effect. Concepts of rewards, of justice come from the human mind, imposed upon reality by us. As it should be!!! Whatever potential others may have to enjoy life, we must help to push open the doors of opportunity to. For us, for them.

I am responsible for my well-being. I am responsible for discovering meaning in this life. This is my privelege and my burden. I've spent a lifetime letting "fiction" carry that responsibility, in exchange for empty promises.

No more.

monday, 30Jul2012

"Life Is Beautiful" by Sixxx A.M.

Bar Coded Poop

This morning, when walking the dog, was the first time in my life I
ever saw dog-poop with a bar-code on it. Bar-coded dog poop!! I could
have used the scanner on my phone to find out what she had gotten in
to, but I didn't.
If I had, it wouldn't have surprised me if I was the first person in
history to do just that!

Imagine:

I take my girlfriend Terry on a month long road trip across Florida and up the eastern seaboard. The sights are spectacular, the beaches are awesome, hotel stays are very nice. She has new experiences, makes new friendships; a lifetime of warm, beautiful memories are coming out of this vacation.

But there is one tiny setback: In the first week of our trip I hold a brass lighthouse sculpture for her to look at before accidentally dropping it on one of her toes, shattering it. She screams, of course, but I take her and the mangled, bleeding mess that's her toe to a nearby hospital. They are very competent with their surgery and repair, everything is fine now, it's only one small toe after all, so we should be all set to enjoy the rest of our trip, right?

Knowing her, she's going to bitch and moan about the pain. BUT-  She will also joke about it as she enjoys the rest of the trip. I do everything I can to make her comfortable, we both have a wonderful time. The beautiful experience is what we will always remember; the broken toe is incidental, not the main focus.

In our 3+ year relationship, she has helped me to grow, learn, discover and learn about myself. Terry has transformed my life in positive, wonderful ways. But she has hurt me as well, as unintentionally as dropping a heavy object on my toe. How stupid, selfish and myopic I would be if I walked out of her life because of mistakes that she is very sorry for! And, yes I've hurt her as well. But we're still together, loving, learning and growing.

Life should be our focus, not the pain that comes with  it.

Tue, 06Jun2012

I need a coach, a trainer. I am Atrophe Incarnate. I cannot stand up because I've never taken a stand. Now, I can see. The first time in my life, I can see. The light is harsh, glaring, painful; The light is beautiful, amazing.... this sudden, uninvited enlightening is thrilling, agonizing, tragic, inspiring....
I'm not making sense, am I?
Life. I'm talking about LIFE!!!
I am awake for the first time. The shell I grew up in, the shell they built to keep knowledge out, ignorance in (based on biblical literalism, fundamentalism, satan's world against us, God's Chosen People) THAT shell broke, shattered in 2008. I didn't mean to break it. Shit, I didn't even know it was there! All I did was invite a piece of a fragment of some information derived from a fact. That's all it took.
I've tried standing on my own but I can't. I need rainers guided by a doctor that isn't sick & trapped in some other shell.
The religion, the cult sheltered me from LIFE my entire life. Now I'm free. But I'm not free. Because I cannot walk. Not yet. I will.
I need help getting started.   17May2012

I did NOT want to write about this

so I won't.

The entire room is spattered!

Is it possible to sneeze and vomit simultaneously? If so, think of the mess that would make!

2012 is The End Of The World! Yayyy!!!

May the new year see you happier than last year & the year before. You'd better be happy, cuz the whole world's gonna end this year. Yup! True! It's all predicted by the ancient Mayan civilization that, for mysterious reasons, weren't able to use their powers of prediction to avoid getting wiped out! Oh, waitaminute, It wasn't death & destruction they predicted- it's the many money/fame-grubbing charlatans that'd have you believe otherwise- their calendar only predicted that 2012 will be the end of an old 'cycle', and the start of a new. (Whatever a 'cycle' means.) The start of a new.... think about it.... That belief has no room for Doomsday if there's going to be a new 'anything', right? Right??? Think about it people! Before you join any cliff-jumping, poison-drinking group that wants to check out before the world's shit is supposedly gonna hit the fan. Curiosity probably didn't kill the cat, but it's ignorance that's killing the humans.