Inverted cogitation

 This morning my mind inevitably wandered to the recurring insect infestation in my apartment. I am truly sick of seeing so many butterflies of all colors flitting through the air. The monarchs were bad enough, now the swallowtails are starting to take over. They're disgusting!! If not for the beautiful shiny cockroaches I keep in my terrarium I'd be calling an exterminator. Gotta take the bad with the good.
These are the kind of thoughts I have during my yoga practice, especially the hourlong upside-down poses. I don't know why.

Should I warn you?

An old and familiar nightmare resurfaced last night, one I particularly dislike. I didn't scream fortunately, but this one was always disturbing to me for a rather strange reason: I used to believe it was real. It's the kind of belief that's possible only when other impossible things are believed, such as Satan, demons, the spirit realm and such. As a teen and young adult,  I thought this thing, this itinerant entity was real though I never told anyone else. When one of Jehovah's Witnesses believes in the existence of something so specific as this, and it's never been mentioned before by the Governing Body, that person could be suspected of having read unapproved outside material. I couldn't stand the thought of an  inquisition by the congregation elders- nobody can- so I kept this knowledge to myself. I don't at all remember how this wandering entity came about in my inner universe. It wasn't a fallen angel like the demons and Satan. I never knew where it came from, only that it was the spirit equivalent of a malicious animal, hunting for prey as it moved around the earth in its inscrutible orbit. It had a two-syllable name beginning with Na- something. I've forgotten. "Na****sh" or Na****esh" or "Na****azh" or whatever. I don't know, don't care.
But last night I awoke from that nightmare in a hazy, not-fully-conscious state of mind. I pondered over the three-meter long snake-like shadow that was Na****, sensing it's presence out there in the city, not knowing if it's going to make a little detour during its obscure journey by paying me a visit. Either to just taunt me like it has before or to take my life this time. My first thought was concern for my cats: it wouldn't kill them if it killed me, or it might kill them only just to torment me. Leaving one dead the others traumatized, "marked" for life is its modus operandi; it never chooses to take everyone in a household. Then I thought: what about the family I live with?
I was finally awake at this point, greatly relieved by the assurance that Na**** really is just a fictious shadow-being. But I thought this through nonetheless: If I had solid reason to believe this thing was real, should I warn the Tran family? It could only be passing through this region, unaware or unconcerned about my being here. Or it may pay me a visit only to scare me, furthering my trauma then leave. But if it did kill one or more of them, I would certainly have some share of guilt for not warning them to stay away for a night or two. But they would never have believed me if I did warn them, so the result would be the same, so what's the point of warning them?
A mandate imposed on every member of my former religion is to go out and warn as many people as each one can of the impending war of Armageddon. Whether worldly people choose to believe us or not (as if belief was a choice ( °~°)) was mostly irrelevant. If they died without us warning them, we're blood guilty, unqualified to live forever. If we did warn them and they died anyway, then we've done our duty and have a shot at living forever in paradise on earth. Believe me, I was never comfortable preaching this "Join us or die" message. So, In this make-believe situation I'm playing with, should I warn them of the possibility that maybe an evil shadow will slip into our home and kill one or more of us? Or at least inflict life-long trauma on one of the girls without killing anyone? Either way the outcome is the same.
I gotta tell you, the discovery that spirit-beings, a vengeful god and the rest are fiction is like the first bowel movement after a lifetime of constipation. Yes the process is agonizing, but when it's over, you feel so much lighter and totally relieved the nightmare is gone!

Intelligent Design of the "Kitten Pee Reflex," or KPR.

Intelligent Design of the "Kitten Pee Reflex," or KPR.

When my Easter gave birth, I'm sure it was her first time. Right off she didn't know what to do about the amnion membrane covering the firstborn. I had to unwrap the scissors (everything that might be needed to assist must be kept right beside Mum's nesting spot, the place you know she's going to birth), incise at the upper chest, then pull it off so the little guy can breathe. She caught on for the second and last. If I wasn't there poor little Dude might not be here. Maybe Snowball and Ladybug if Easter never caught on, I don't know.

Another thing she didn't catch on right away: making her babies pee. Some of you may not know this, but newborns cannot urinate without Mum's help. By 'help' I mean actually licking Baby's privates to stimulate urination. That's right, we're talking about a nasty method of recycling! So I had to demonstrate for her how to- not literally you perv!- I took a small piece of tissue, showed it to her, got her to sniff it. Nothing there, right? Then immediately I rubbed it on one of the babies' privates, squirt! then had her sniff it again. Got it? Not yet. I had to keep doing that for a bit until she finally caught on.

It makes you glad human infants don't require that service! Can you imagine the wife-husband arguments? Parents already fight over whose turn it is to change their diaper (some of them do, anyways). "Jeffrey's gotta pee again Bob..." "Why can't you do it?!" "I'm sick to my stomache!" "Ya shoulda asked me before I brushed my teeth..."

Jeez, why are they designed like that? I'm reasonably certain all living things were designed from the bottom-up by evolution, in this case through natural selection. Somewhere in their history the babies of ancestor feliforms that needed Mum to lick and swallow -ugh mental image go away!- had a better chance of growing up without nasty infections resulting from peeing all over themselves,  then passing on those behavioral traits through their offspring. Now, if all that was designed top-down by a creator-deity, I'd have to ask why that celestial being couldn't have thought of a better way. I mean, isn't there a risk to the mother of getting sick, dying, with no genetic heritage to pass on? Maybe, maybe not. I'm not aware of any research done in this area. How would those experiments be conducted anyways? One group of female cats compelled to drink kitty urine, the other not, see if there's any difference? That's one research proposal I'd never finance!

Anyways, what started this  was the thought I had of an alternative to this strategy. In the way my thoughts come out of nowhere when I first wake up I imagined Mum picking up her kittens by the scruff of their necks like they always do, turn and hold Baby just outside the nest area, and signal the peeing reflex by grunting. Baby feels that mommy-grip, hears Mum's voice, pees, gets put back. One by one Mum does this all day and night withought having to get up, just hold her kittens over there, say Hhrrrr!! and put them back.

But then whenever you use the mommy-grip to keep your cat still to clip their claws or whatever, make damn sure no one says a word. Everyone keep quiet or the peeing reflex'll be triggered, right in your lap. The thing that got me laughing was a cruel prank one could pull. Someone's holding their cat, cuddling, all sweet when some asshole graps the back of the cat's neck, says Hhrrrr!! and now you have a vengeful human with cat pee on them.

Tragic road towards a prosperous secular society

I have always maintained that the trend towards a secular America would have two causes: the lesser being the efforts of rational citizens in fighting religious imposition on society through education and legislation, and the greater being a massive, tragic disaster or sets of disasters that only religiously motivated governments, organizations and citizens can make possible.
Are we seeing the beginning of the massive tragedies that will convince most citizens that religion has no place in politics, starting with the Trump administration? I don't know. Right now I'm too shocked to think or talk about it.

Nervous? Don't Worry Be Happy

Relief!! I've been stressing for days because of this assignment. Irrationally, since it's an easy task- or would be if my brain hadn't kept shutting down from anxiety.
This Sunday the 25th for the first time I'm the Worship Associate for my congregation at the Unitarian Universalist Church. Great! Fantastic! I'm looking forward to that. I know I won't be nervous speaking in front of everybody, because I never am as long as I have prepared material. But this is my first time as a WA. And I'm the one preparing the script. Me!! Not only do I have an inferiority complex, it's a lousy, pathetic one /(~_~)\
Today I went there to have Rev. Curtis go over the material. She did some small corrections, critiqued my oratory, and assured me I'm gonna do great! So now I have professional approval, assurance and encouragement. I don't think I'm going to be nervous from now on. I can focus on practice, I can relax. I did not know I would be fraught with anxiety while preparing. The only way to deal with it is to just go ahead. If you need to ask for help, do it!
The next time I'm WA, I'm confident I won't be as nervous. Even if I am, it's okay. Just go ahead with what I love doing.

Rejected

She was a nice looking, kinda chubby. Wasn't supposed to be any more than scrawny but with a few extra puffs, I figured, she'd fill out nicely. I like girls with a little extra.
Before we even got started she said something to me I'll never, ever forget:

BAM!!!

then she flew out of my bedroom window.
Getting rejected by real women hurts, but now plastic ones? Wtf??
My life sucks.

Gay, straight, whatever. Irrevelant. So what??

I just watched Cthulhu (2007) directed by Dan Gildark, starring Jason Cottle as Russ, the protagonist. That Russ, the main character is gay is irrelevant. The movie could have been the same if he were straight. Irrevelant. Gay, straight, doesn't matter.
And I love that! Irrevelant, whatever, so what if he's gay?? That's the way real life should be. Actually, it is that way among the more enlightened in society. But that's the exception, not the rule. But that's changing, hee hee hee!!!
btw it's a pretty good movie. No Cthulhu, the Deep Ones shown, but I recommend it nonetheless. And yeah, I'm an H.P. Lovecraft fan.

Vocabulary: Geo-Coprolitus

Everyone in the apartment complex was ordered by management to cut down the rapidly growing vines around the dumpsters. I mean, rapidly! Like 6 inches every 5 minutes, with groups of us working in shifts to chop away as it grew. My former biochemistry professor was also there, muttering "goddamn geo-coprolitus!!" So that's what this is. The earth (geo) is pooping (coprolitus, verb form of coprolite). And now I can see the shitstains on the dumpster sides from the vine leaves as they pushed their way up. Our planet is now pooping and we are forced to clean it up. What sweet justice, right?!
Btw there's no such word as 'coprolitus.' Even in my dreams I make up the wierdest stuff!

ex-jw Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder

There's Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder; what about Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder? Why have I never heard of that before? It's real, I've had more flashforwards than I have flashbacks. Of all the horrible experiences I've suffered in life, most of them never happened.
True story: A group of us were watching a movie at a friend's house. I don't recall the name of it, but the scene of several families fleeing the Nazis in WWII Europe stood out in my mind. They were making their way throught the forest, as quietly as they could, hiding between trees and bushes. They knew that Nazi soldiers were nearby, somewhere.
I had to leave the room, step outside, breathe, relax. That movie evoked some of the most frightening memories in me. No I'm not going to tell you I was there some 70 years ago. And nothing even remotely like that ever occured to me in real life. But I did grow up with full certainty that atrocities like that will, without a doubt, happen to me and everyone I knew in a few short years or sooner.
Growing up as a  Jehovah's Witness I was made to believe in the end of the world, that Armageddon will annihilate the vast majority of humankind with epic catastrophes, both natural and manmade. On top of those horrors, the condemned will also start to become rotting corpses before they're killed, but vivid images of that on top of everything else also haunted me. It's in the Bible so it must be true. (Zechariah 14:12,  “And this is the scourge with which Jehovah will scourge all the peoples who wage war against Jerusalem. Their flesh will rot away while they stand on their feet, their eyes will rot away in their sockets, and their tongues will rot away in their mouths.")
You understand why many Jehovah's Witnesses grow up traumatized by this future that's just around the corner, will happen sooner than you think!!! But for me, despite all the nightmares from that alone, what terrified me more was what was going to happen before the final war between God and Satan, the "Great Tribulation." Once all the nations of the earth declared that they've established peace and security, plagues will issue forth, the United Nations (depicted as the 666-marked Wild Beast of Revelation 13:18, "This is where it calls for wisdom: Let the one who has insight calculate the number of the wild beast, for it is a man’s number, and its number is 666.") During these unprecedented events is when the whole world will wage war against Jehovah's Witnesses. All other religions have been exterminated by the UN, as depicted by the Wild Beast turning on Babylon the Great, that being the world empire of false religion. And with the only true religion remaining, with Satan and the demons focused entirely on us, massing every military force upon us just as the Nazis focused their efforts on destroying the Jews, Gypsies, other undesireable and yes, Jehovah's Witnesses were also hunted down, sent to concentration camps where more than 2,000 died. This terrified me mostly because if we compromised our faith in any way during this time, if I gave in to the fear of man, I was going to perish in some horrific way at Armageddon. I was convinced that I couldn't do it. If I was embarrassed by my religion at school, of not saluting the flag, of not celebraring the holidays, then how could I not give in and give up when the world Tribulates Greatly??? That time will be far more traumatic than any other time in history, meaning that what we will face is going to be worse that what the victims of the Nazi holocaust endured! If I was incapable of witnessing to strangers by myself, if I was unable to witness to the kids at school, then of course I was going to die at Armageddon.
Testimonies from Jehovah's Witnesses that survived the Holocaust were endless, their extreme tests of faith amidst the violence and killings documented in so many issues of The Watchtower and Awake! magazines and in their publications, plus an occasional survivor would be on stage at a convention giving his experiences. It didn't help that I read and saw photographs from a book on the Nazis and their "Final Solution", the haunting pictures of the skeletal victims in the camps, stripped of clothing, dignity and hope just before they were murdered. All of that, the Nazi Holocaust being the small-scale equivalent of the Great Tribulation haunted me day and night.
No wonder I wanted so much to die before then! Not by suicide, for people who commit self-murder won't be resurrected. And leaving the religion, everything and everyone I know to be part of the wicked world ruled by Satan, no longer having Jehovah's protection from demons was not an option. Getting killed while I was in the door-to-door ministry was the best bet. An angry householder killing me while I was serving Jehovah would have been the best thing for me with it's guarantee of a resurrection into an earthly paradise. And yet I hardly ever went out in service because of my anxiety. I couldn't even prepare my presentations because of nervousness shutting down my brain!
The Great Tribulation was a worse nightmare for me than Armageddon, because if you're still faithful to Jehovah despite the horrors, your eyes won't rot out of their sockets as you're getting killed in some gruesome fashion by the armies of heaven.
Then somehow, thanks to the miraculous healing powers of Jehovah's holy spirit you won't be crippled by post-traumatic stress disorder. Thanks to the inhumane indoctrination I've had plenty of pre-traumatic stress disorder to cripple me many times over.

Generosity as a countermeasure

Awesome guy our apt manager/owner is! He just bought ice cream off the ice cream truck for the two girls, their parents and I. Just being his generous self. And clever imho. The stress of dealing with tenants that are deadbeats, quarrelsome, criminal... He manages apartments, therefore he must deal with that all the time. Plus whatever financial concerns he may have. There is the danger of the stress and grievences carrying over to others a person interacts with, a tendency we all have. We're more  likely to be short-tempered with everyone else in our lives when one or two assholes strive to make us miserable. Being generous to people who appreciate what you do for them, like us, is a countermeasure to that tendency. Even when you don't feel like being generous with your time, energy or in this case pocket-change, go ahead anyway, because soon you'll feel different, lighter, and more able to cope with the negativities of life.
Btw that's one of many reasons to broaden out the number of people you interact with daily, making it more likely to have those that genuinely appreciate you offsetting the exploitative jerks that don't. It may take effort for some like me, but it's worth it.

The Ugly of Evolution (the Egret and the toad)

I love birds, like the Florida egrets. I love frogs and toads, always have since early childhood. But to watch an egret impale a toad like I just did minutes ago, see it walk off, then drop the poor amphibian to stab it again and again, just... I know, if the bird didn't do that daily, with toads, lizards, frogs and who knows what else, it would starve and die. A terrible death. But so is being carried off and stabbed to death by a large monster.

That's the part of evolution I've always hated. Adaptations to changes in the environment, adaptations in predator-prey relationships is not about life it's about death. On individual levels it's often random. That toad may have been more capable at evading prey than its siblings, either by speed or by hiding, yet they'll live to reproduce instead of it. The egret may have been slower physically or neurologically than its siblings, yet it caught its food while while the others may starve, or are killed some other way. But the accumulation of several generations is not random. Those more likely to survive will spread their allels throughout the population precisely because those even slightly less well-adapted have died. And when evolution does not happen, it is because there is pressure to stay the same instead of adapting. That too is a process of death more than life, as those individuals that are slightly different are either less able to survive or are less likely to be chosen as mates. Or both.

Evolution is an amazing phenomenon when I see what its results are. I can understand why many have a need to believe that a creator-god exists to make it all happen. After all, plants and animals look so well designed! And many of them are spectacularly beautiful. They had to have been designed by someone, or by someones, such I used to believe (angels, working under the direction of Michael, Jehovah's firstborn son. The same mind cannot have designed both butterflies and wasps). But the truth is, as best as we can determine, is that they were designed from the bottom up, from individual groups and species by blind, impersonal  forces of selection, instead of top-down, by master architects.

I also love mice. And I have great affection for cats.
*groan*

I'd post more if I wrote more

I've realized yet another reason why it sucks to rush out the door in the morning. Aside from skipping the expected playtime with my cats. Morning, especially soon after I wake up is when Ihave the most brilliant thoughts. Brilliant comedy, brilliant solutions, brilliant ideas covering many subjects. Usually at random. This morning I hadto laugh because of a brilliant comedic solution that popped into my head. But now I have no idea what it was. Playtime with my Easter and her 3 grown children shouldn't be optional. It does me a lot of good, keeps my mind and heart healthy, and it's great for them too. But writing should not be optional either. Neither should drawing at night. I need all that and more.

Empathy default setting: ON

To have hate for LGBTQs to the extent of expressing approval of the Orlando massacre requires justification, it seems. Scriptures are often cited by haters, but not by those expressing grief and by people, organizations that contribute to help the survivors. Not that there aren't biblical passages that extol & mandate such compassion. It's just not necessary to acknowledge and act upon the belief that the killings were immoral. Empathy needs no justification, whereas hate does.

I'm reminded of the antisemitism of the Nazis. Their propaganda needed to offer so-called 'facts' about Jewish people that would shut down empathy. Individuals that risked their lives to save Jews, others need no justification for their morality.

My conclusion is that empathy doesn't need rationalizations to become active because its default setting is On. Shutting it off requires bad information, psychological duress, biochemical imbalance or some other factor. Only then is it possible to regard other humans (and nonhuman animals as well) as "other," as inferior, and as deserving of harm.

What do you think? Do you agree? Comments are welcome.

Empathy default setting: ON

To have hate for LGBTQs to the extent of expressing approval of the Orlando massacre requires justification, it seems. Scriptures are often cited by haters, but not by those expressing grief and by people, organizations that contribute to help the survivors. Not that there aren't biblical passages that extol & mandate such compassion. It's just not necessary to acknowledge and act upon the belief that the killings were immoral. Empathy needs no justification, whereas hate does.

I'm reminded of the antisemitism of the Nazis. Their propaganda needed to offer so-called 'facts' about Jewish people that would shut down empathy. Individuals that risked their lives to save Jews, others need no justification for their morality.

My conclusion is that empathy doesn't need rationalizations to become active because its default setting is On. Shutting it off requires bad information, psychological duress, biochemical imbalance or some other factor. Only then is it possible to regard other humans (and nonhuman animals as well) as "other," as inferior, and as deserving of harm.

What do you think? Do you agree? Comments are welcome.

I had a discussion with others about school bullying and suicide. Something that should concern everyone. That night, and the next day I had several flashbacks. Well, not truly the crippling PTSD ones anymore but my peace of mind was shattered. Because  of what happened to me over thirty years ago. More than three decades in the past, and it still hurts!
Fuck anyone who believes LGBT+ kids don't deserve protection like every other student.

Dinosaur discipline

Is Barney the Dinosaur still on? Don't know, don't care. But anyway, I'm just thinking. He'a a dinosaur. A therapod dinosaur, like the t.rex, allosaur, velociraptor and other killers. In a room full of small children. I'm sure they feed him just before filming for safety reasons. But if PBS wanted to expand its viewing demographic to include a large segment of the adult population then maybe on some days they'll only feed Barney half a meal before starting. The days that casting includes some petulant smart-mouth brat on the set. Can you imagine this, Barney devouring a troublemaker? It'll raise viewership, that's for damn sure. Hell I'd even watch it. And it may even have a positive impact on children's behavior everywhere, so they should try it. Or should have, if it's been cancelled.

Demonically possessed Teletubbies, with evil spirits looking through the squares in their bellies. Hmm. Jerry Falwell was spooked by the purple one, remember? Accused it of being gay? Yeah. Lemme think about this?..
03jun2016.fri

p.s. you know I'm joking, right? Right??

26apr2016.tue

They entered our community, seen by most residents. I went from scared to relieved as the military arrived, soldiers with AK47's took positions in and around every building. But nothing happened. Not only were the aliens not attacking, it was if they weren't even there.
The soldiers then left!!! "But they're here!"I said, "They're hiding!!" I was ignored. I accosted the last soldier on his way out saying "They're still here-"
"Then where are they?" he asked without caring.
"Regaining their element of surprise. YOU KNOW THAT TACTIC-!!!"
He shrugged his shoulders, muttering "they're just a bunch of dumb animals..." and he was gone.
I looked around, feeling sick. My wife came up to me with a smile on her face, holding a stack of old vinyl records. "I found my old albums! Here!"
"But you're deaf!" I said. (which is true. She lost her hearing from an impact injury before we met, and her mother subsequently dumped all her LPs and cassette tapes in the garbage)
"They're for you, silly!" she laughed.
I walked off, disgusted and full of the same feelings of anxiety I normally feel when awake. I opened the trunk of our car, looking for a weapon. I eventually found one on the ground, a .45 caliber that one of the soldiers apparently dropped and left behind.
     Because of my neuromuscular atrophy I have great difficulty pulling the trigger of any handgun, needing both fingers to squeeze of a shot. That's in real life and in my dream. Besides, I doubted it would have any stopping power against their exoskeletons.
     That's how the dream ended, endlessly fidgety, anxiety ridden as we proceeded with our normal routines with gun in hand.

A lengthy, drawn out dream that, imho, would make for a decent indie movie. Maybe I should rewrite it as a script? I'll do so as a short story.

This morning I sat in meditation in the city park, enjoying the cool air as I watched small fish in the stream. Soon a large, angry man walked over to me, telling me to leave. Because he was a homeless person with no authority to issue such an order, I stayed. He said this place doesn't belong to me. I calmly informed him this park belongs to everyone. After repeating his demand I asked him for the real reason he wanted me to vacate. He pointed to the stand of trees behind us, telling me he lives here. "Ah, so it's privacy you wish to have..." I said, then proceeded to rise, brush my pants off, and rode my bicycle away about 30 meters down toward the shade of another tree. This place was safer, out in the open, more ideal for me to sit. Soon another man approached me from behind, filthy, bleary-eyed, muttering, calling me a "smart-ass". I stayed silent while keeping my eyes on his shadow beside me as he stood still. Soon I stretched my legs as he repeated the nonsensical accusation, got up and mounted my bike, wished him a good day and started pedaling. I ignored the kick he delivered to my rear tire.

I knew I was risking my safety by not fleeing immediately, but as neither one had any weapon to brandish, and I'm able to scream at loud volume to the two park employees a short distance away, I chose to move at my own pace rather than give them the satisfaction of obeying their wishes.

It seems odd that there was no anxiety resulting from these two random confrontations. I didn't feel upset at all throughout the day. Odd, because I often do suffer anxiety and stress several times each week, apparently for no reason. But these incidences did not upset me at all whatsoever. I suppose it helps to assume that any homeless person suffers greatly at having lost everything. Adding to that they are punished relentlessly by society for having done so. That the woods was his only home incited the first man to order me to leave, and the second may have mistaken me for someone else. Maybe, whatever. Being judgemental on my part would not only be inappropriate but also self-harmful, as I would've experienced anger, eventually becoming anxiety.

A realistic, unfiltered view of humanity unclouded by our personal issues is healthy indeed.

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Depressed as fuck!

How depressed is fuck? Is fuck more dysphoric than shit? I know that damn is melancholy compared to both fuck and shit. But how bad is fuck compared to the way I am now? More severe, probably because I know I'll probably feel better before the day is through.

I'm not sure exactly where Jesus Fucking Christ goes on the negative-feelings scale.

18Feb2016.thu

The Sky is Blue Because:

This post is for the precious few that know the earth is flat, not round, because I suspect you may be the only members of the general population that can accept the real reason the sky is blue.

Many years ago a giant paint factory exploded on the day they were making blue. No one has seen the stars during the day ever since. Soon the federal government is going to mandate the airlines install giant cleaning sponges on the top of all aircraft to wipe the paint off. The Air Force will get the spots they miss.


Now you know.  -Phx