I got a kick out of watching this 34 second "Another Advanced Useless Machine" video on YouTube. It's worth a chuckle: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nqk_nWAjBus This got me to thinking: If I had the workshop and engineering know-how to build such a one-joke device, would I even be able to do it in my spare time? Can I build something that is pointless, isn't worth anything beyond making an occasional person chuckle for a few seconds? I don't think I can. This is a waste of time! my mind would be saying, over and over again. All this effort, my skills, my tools, my resources would be devoted to... this pointless, useless thing! Then I'd give up and do something else. What else? Doesn't matter. Hell, I'd be more comfortable wasting my time watching random videos than that.
That is wrong. I think that is why I haven't written fiction, drawn pictures, or painted compositions for years. Is this the foundation of my creativity block? After all, it is rather pointless, isn't it? I'm not aspiring to be a famous painter, writer, artist. I'm just doing it for me. If others find meaning or entertainment in my work, fine, but that's just incidental. I'd be doing it because it satisfies my creative desires. I'd be doing it for me.
That is wrong is what my mind keeps repeating, over and over again. Selfish!!! Not in words but in the silent background. That judgmental critic that is always there.
I can't afford CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. There's no nearby Buddhist sangha that meets nearby that I can join for meditation practice, a form of CBT in its own right. I've been trying to build up my meditation practice but the best I can do is sit there listening to New Age music. I need to be with other people for that.
This judgmental mindset has to leave. I have so much in my head that needs to get out there. My whole life it's been like this. I'm dying inside, it feels like.
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