Thursday, April 29, 2021

Michael Collins, Apollo 11

  Lived: Michael Collins piloted the Apollo 11 spacecraft 60 miles above Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin as they became the first humans to walk on the moon. Collins died at 90.

I recall reading an interview in which Collins's biggest fear was being ordered to depart lunar orbit for home while Armstrong and Aldrin were still on the moon, still alive. That could have happened, that any one of the thousands of possible mechanical, electrical or other kinds of failures could make launching the return vehicle impossible, dooming his two colleagues to remain on the surface. I've frequently imagined Collins keeping that anxiety at bay for- how long? A day and a half? idk-  so he can focus on his job. And of course the enormous relief he must have felt at having them return. 

Would the other Apollo missions have taken place if that did happen? Or would we be left knowing there are two dead men out there every time we looked at the moon? Now there's a morbid thought!



Monday, April 26, 2021

Paralyzed

 Why does depression have to be so goddamn paralyzing??? Can't I just keep doing the tasks I need to do while feeling like shit? I guess not. So here I am, trapped in my little black hole. Fuck!

Saturday, April 17, 2021

Self-murder is better.

 Saturday morning. NOT going out in the magazine work!

I lived the first 40 years of my life as a Jehovah Witless. I could never force myself to feel relaxed abt going in the door-to-door ministry. The magazine work is that same ministry, focused on getting the Watchtower & Awake! magazines out there every Saturday.

I woke up, recalling a specific moment as a teenager, deciding it's better to die by suicide than die at Armageddon. Either way there's no resurrection in the New System of Things (I've always thought that was a strange term ..."of Things") Suicides don't get resurrected because of the grevious sin of self-murder, and if I declare I CANNOT suffer the anxiety, fear and resulting sickness of the preaching work the armies of heaven will kill me for refusing this most vital commission at Armageddon. That was the decision that went through my mind: Either God kills me or I do. 

My dog Benjamin was probably one of the few reasons I'm alive today. 

Thank Fuck I woke up!