Self-murder is better.

 Saturday morning. NOT going out in the magazine work!

I lived the first 40 years of my life as a Jehovah Witless. I could never force myself to feel relaxed abt going in the door-to-door ministry. The magazine work is that same ministry, focused on getting the Watchtower & Awake! magazines out there every Saturday.

I woke up, recalling a specific moment as a teenager, deciding it's better to die by suicide than die at Armageddon. Either way there's no resurrection in the New System of Things (I've always thought that was a strange term ..."of Things") Suicides don't get resurrected because of the grevious sin of self-murder, and if I declare I CANNOT suffer the anxiety, fear and resulting sickness of the preaching work the armies of heaven will kill me for refusing this most vital commission at Armageddon. That was the decision that went through my mind: Either God kills me or I do. 

My dog Benjamin was probably one of the few reasons I'm alive today. 

Thank Fuck I woke up!