Now it's the page in a novel that's shoving me back into the hellhole that was my life. FUCK!! A decent book. With a wife throwing a bullshit accusation against this man, blaming him for a horrific tragedy. The bullshit accusations, the screaming... And certain words, specific phrases suck me back into a past that doesn't belong in the present.
I read to relax, to enjoy. It's now another fucking PTSD flashback pissing me off. FUCK!!!
do flashbacks like these make you tired too? make you pass out, almost? i can't keep my fucking eyes open. that cunt owes me. she better thank her precious little Christ there's no way I can collect on the debt she owes me.
Friday, March 9, 2018
Friday, January 19, 2018
Present moment of a thirsty towel.
Their need was evident, but I didn't pay attention.
My cats had eaten less than two hours ago, so they wouldn't have been crowding around me like this, as if they needed to be fed. Something was wrong but I wasn't paying attention. I wasn't "listening."
My listening skills used to be much better, and noticing that someone needed to be listened to. That's why I need to improve and keep to my schedule of mindfulness meditation. It has helped enormously. If I had been mindful, if I was living in the present moment, I would have been curious about what Easter, Dude and Ladybug wanted me to do. Needed me to do.
I had noticed the towel had fallen from their shelf. Sometimes cats move things around, you know. That's normal. But I hadn't noticed it landed right on their water bowl. And that it absorbed the entire contents of the bowl. Now that I cleaned and refilled their waterbowl, they're okay now that they've slurped up their fill with urgency.
Sorry guys!
Living in the present moment is vital, because life happens only in the here and now. The past has expired, the future isn't yet real, I always and only exist here, where I am, never anywhere else. Not ever. Here in this place, now in this time. That's where you are, that's where I am.
Be alive.
My cats had eaten less than two hours ago, so they wouldn't have been crowding around me like this, as if they needed to be fed. Something was wrong but I wasn't paying attention. I wasn't "listening."
My listening skills used to be much better, and noticing that someone needed to be listened to. That's why I need to improve and keep to my schedule of mindfulness meditation. It has helped enormously. If I had been mindful, if I was living in the present moment, I would have been curious about what Easter, Dude and Ladybug wanted me to do. Needed me to do.
I had noticed the towel had fallen from their shelf. Sometimes cats move things around, you know. That's normal. But I hadn't noticed it landed right on their water bowl. And that it absorbed the entire contents of the bowl. Now that I cleaned and refilled their waterbowl, they're okay now that they've slurped up their fill with urgency.
Sorry guys!
Living in the present moment is vital, because life happens only in the here and now. The past has expired, the future isn't yet real, I always and only exist here, where I am, never anywhere else. Not ever. Here in this place, now in this time. That's where you are, that's where I am.
Be alive.
Friday, January 5, 2018
Omfg it's FREEZING outside!!!
I had to put on a jacket to go somewhere yesterday. With a sweatshirt underneath! And- get this- I could actually see my breath! During the day!!!
If this keeps up I'm gonna just take off and move to Florida.
-oh wait- I'm already here.
If this keeps up I'm gonna just take off and move to Florida.
-oh wait- I'm already here.
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
I'm Perfect..." By Abrahams
In the autobiography "I'm Perfect You're Doomed" by Kyria Abrahams I'm struggling to specifically pin down the exact cause of the author's predicament between a soon-to-happen escapist marriage, a death-threatening JW pioneer roommate and- bluh, it's complicated. I sort of know why it's happening to her yet I don't. Instead of just reading I'm struggling to pin down the exact psychological mechanisms at play here, being directly related to having been raised as a JW, as I have been too. It's tragic that your average 15 year old girl knows far more about relationships than Kyria did at 18. The reason is obvious, having only known a religious fundy cult as your worldview.
Ugh, I don't feel like writing anymore. Except to say because of her own accounts of OCD, I realize I've got to get myself checked for it instead of being disgusted with myself.
Ugh, I don't feel like writing anymore. Except to say because of her own accounts of OCD, I realize I've got to get myself checked for it instead of being disgusted with myself.
Saturday, December 16, 2017
No anger problems here :-)
Anger management issues. I don't have any. Not really. I've gotta remember that when I get too self-critical.
Examples: My niece's dog scooting her butt on my bed, for instance. The thought of some other person I know exploding at her, hitting her popped into my head with a "Thank Dog I'm not him!" I just have an addition to make to my laundry is all. After i spot-wash the sheet of course.
This morning some jerk had wiped dogshit from under his shoes on the outside wall of my apartment. Right next to the front door. Okay, I don't know what asshole did that or why. And I didn't care. I just poured water on the wall as I scrubbed it off with the toilet brush. Getting upset accomplishes nothing. Remedying the problem does. It didn't take much effort either.
Yes, I could get upset when a motorist comes too damn close to running me over. Why not? Someone putting my life in danger as I'm bicycling is a pretty good reason for getting pissed off. Screaming to get the fool's attention does accomplish something very important but again, why be enraged instead of irritated? I'm just glad to be alive. And to know those dangerous situations are very rare thanks to my "controlled paranoia," of assuming over half the drivers out there are texting, drinking and/or just plain distracted idiots. Without resentment. That's just the way the world is, so accept it, and calmly move on.
No matter what my cats do, It never occurs to me to get angry. Seeing my last roll of toilet paper all over the living room floor- my last roll, mind you! - tells me somebody had a great time while I was gone. Good! That's healthy! There is being annoyed too. Like having to pull Snowball out of the fridge several times a day, every day. It's not about food, it's just an OCD-addled cat and his obsession. Well, annoyed and laughing at the same time. (strange, isn't it? Opposite sentiments happening simultaneously? I think it is.) And somebody throwing up on a shirt, my bed, or some hard-to-reach-and-clean place. They don't mean to do it, it just happens.
Sitting inside the laundromat listening to two small kids chasing each other and screaming; That's irritating as hell. I was trying to read peacefully while waiting for my wash to finish but those two brats were getting on my nerves. Until it occurred to me that kittens do exactly the same thing! Sure they express their play differently, but it amounts to the same thing. And we adore watching those beautiful, precious little fur-balls pretending to kill each other! After that thought my irritation evaporated. No anger and I focused on my book. Poor mom, though, trying to do her laundry while reigning in her children to no avail. I admire people like that but I sure as hell don't envy them.
I have a lot of patience with other people but not for myself. Not good. I hate that about myself dammit!
16dec2017
Examples: My niece's dog scooting her butt on my bed, for instance. The thought of some other person I know exploding at her, hitting her popped into my head with a "Thank Dog I'm not him!" I just have an addition to make to my laundry is all. After i spot-wash the sheet of course.
This morning some jerk had wiped dogshit from under his shoes on the outside wall of my apartment. Right next to the front door. Okay, I don't know what asshole did that or why. And I didn't care. I just poured water on the wall as I scrubbed it off with the toilet brush. Getting upset accomplishes nothing. Remedying the problem does. It didn't take much effort either.
Yes, I could get upset when a motorist comes too damn close to running me over. Why not? Someone putting my life in danger as I'm bicycling is a pretty good reason for getting pissed off. Screaming to get the fool's attention does accomplish something very important but again, why be enraged instead of irritated? I'm just glad to be alive. And to know those dangerous situations are very rare thanks to my "controlled paranoia," of assuming over half the drivers out there are texting, drinking and/or just plain distracted idiots. Without resentment. That's just the way the world is, so accept it, and calmly move on.
No matter what my cats do, It never occurs to me to get angry. Seeing my last roll of toilet paper all over the living room floor- my last roll, mind you! - tells me somebody had a great time while I was gone. Good! That's healthy! There is being annoyed too. Like having to pull Snowball out of the fridge several times a day, every day. It's not about food, it's just an OCD-addled cat and his obsession. Well, annoyed and laughing at the same time. (strange, isn't it? Opposite sentiments happening simultaneously? I think it is.) And somebody throwing up on a shirt, my bed, or some hard-to-reach-and-clean place. They don't mean to do it, it just happens.
Sitting inside the laundromat listening to two small kids chasing each other and screaming; That's irritating as hell. I was trying to read peacefully while waiting for my wash to finish but those two brats were getting on my nerves. Until it occurred to me that kittens do exactly the same thing! Sure they express their play differently, but it amounts to the same thing. And we adore watching those beautiful, precious little fur-balls pretending to kill each other! After that thought my irritation evaporated. No anger and I focused on my book. Poor mom, though, trying to do her laundry while reigning in her children to no avail. I admire people like that but I sure as hell don't envy them.
I have a lot of patience with other people but not for myself. Not good. I hate that about myself dammit!
16dec2017
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Dream: Implant design
Another dream that just went on and on and on. I was trying to design a medical implant only because nobody else could be bothered with the task. I have no medical engineering experience but here I was, not knowing what I was doing but I had to do it immediately because the surgical team had already begun opening the patient's abdominal cavity. It's like I refused to wake up because this project was too demanding, the product of my feverish efforts needed to be done in less than ten minutes. I eventually gave up trying to invent the necessary design and just adapt the main features of an automobile transmission housing. The drive shaft casing will enclose the lower vertebral column, and the section that's for the gear assembly will contain whatever organ that's lost its outer connective tissues that prevents it from falling out of the patient's asshole.
The relief I felt at finishing the damn job was so gratifying. Now I can wake up to find myself sprawled out all over the place. Normally I don't write down my dreams but I worked so goddamn hard in this one because everyone else that was more qualified than me to build the fucking thing was too damn lazy to do it and I don't want it to have worked my ass off for nothing so here it is!
The relief I felt at finishing the damn job was so gratifying. Now I can wake up to find myself sprawled out all over the place. Normally I don't write down my dreams but I worked so goddamn hard in this one because everyone else that was more qualified than me to build the fucking thing was too damn lazy to do it and I don't want it to have worked my ass off for nothing so here it is!
Monday, June 26, 2017
"Goddidit!" explains everything!
Let's say it comes to the world's attention that a passage from an ancient scroll was discovered to explain everything. The followers of this obscure religion point to that as evidence that their faith was the Only Truth all along:
"The great and timeless Huttabubu, after lowering His posterior, directed a large wind of flatulence to His candle which brought about an explosion of surpassing power and sound, and from that Big Bang everything above, below and in the world came to be."
Now that has greater explanatory power than "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth," don't you think?? It cracks me up whenever a Christian claims to know how the Universe came to be by quoting Genesis 1:1. Guys, if you don't understand something, saying Goddidit doesn't make you look smart, but saying 'I don't know' does not make you look dumb, just honest.
"The great and timeless Huttabubu, after lowering His posterior, directed a large wind of flatulence to His candle which brought about an explosion of surpassing power and sound, and from that Big Bang everything above, below and in the world came to be."
Now that has greater explanatory power than "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth," don't you think?? It cracks me up whenever a Christian claims to know how the Universe came to be by quoting Genesis 1:1. Guys, if you don't understand something, saying Goddidit doesn't make you look smart, but saying 'I don't know' does not make you look dumb, just honest.
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