My girl Easter

 My cat Easter came into my life in 2013, erasing every desire I had to kill myself. I had suffered so much heartrending loss and abuse and couldn't take it anymore. But inviting a stray cat in for a snack, knowing that it will be a permanent relationship changed everything. And being with her as she ga

ve birth... What a privilege that was! She saved my life, then gave me a purpose with three kittens. 

Years later Snowball passed away from kidney failure, then last year cancer took his brother Dude. Now I have their sister Ladybug.

Last Saturday, 24july2021 Easter somehow got outside of my apartment and hasn't been seen since. I've asked around, posted signs, handed out flyers, emailed animal control with her picture. No callbacks. Every morning and evening I'm out there, calling her while pouring dry cat food from one bowl to another.

I know I can survive her passing but her missing? The uncertainty is almost unbearable. And the randomness of thoughts, of past traumas coming back in flashbacks... Please, not now!!! They are especially severe during the hardest times.

I have so much affection and love for my little girl Ladybug. And my sister's cat Bob. Ladybug's okay with me petting, playing and talking with the shaggy beast now.

I'm forcing myself to go with my sister & her husband to the lake. I'm not going to allow grief and uncertainty to rob me. I've suffered too many losses in my life, yet I'm still alive. That was the gift Easter gave me, Life. I must continue to find joy in being alive while keeping hope alive.

No voice

 I need to scream but I have no mouth. Or hands to type stories or draw worlds. Is this what quadriplegia is like? Total crippling of the mind? Are my cats the only beings keeping me alive? 

#stopasianhate

 A 22 ton Chinese rocket falling to Earth at 18,000mph, the future location of the crash site unknown, isn't helping our Stop Asian Hate rhetoric. Just saying.

Michael Collins, Apollo 11

  Lived: Michael Collins piloted the Apollo 11 spacecraft 60 miles above Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin as they became the first humans to walk on the moon. Collins died at 90.

I recall reading an interview in which Collins's biggest fear was being ordered to depart lunar orbit for home while Armstrong and Aldrin were still on the moon, still alive. That could have happened, that any one of the thousands of possible mechanical, electrical or other kinds of failures could make launching the return vehicle impossible, dooming his two colleagues to remain on the surface. I've frequently imagined Collins keeping that anxiety at bay for- how long? A day and a half? idk-  so he can focus on his job. And of course the enormous relief he must have felt at having them return. 

Would the other Apollo missions have taken place if that did happen? Or would we be left knowing there are two dead men out there every time we looked at the moon? Now there's a morbid thought!

Paralyzed

 Why does depression have to be so goddamn paralyzing??? Can't I just keep doing the tasks I need to do while feeling like shit? I guess not. So here I am, trapped in my little black hole. Fuck!

Self-murder is better.

 Saturday morning. NOT going out in the magazine work!

I lived the first 40 years of my life as a Jehovah Witless. I could never force myself to feel relaxed abt going in the door-to-door ministry. The magazine work is that same ministry, focused on getting the Watchtower & Awake! magazines out there every Saturday.

I woke up, recalling a specific moment as a teenager, deciding it's better to die by suicide than die at Armageddon. Either way there's no resurrection in the New System of Things (I've always thought that was a strange term ..."of Things") Suicides don't get resurrected because of the grevious sin of self-murder, and if I declare I CANNOT suffer the anxiety, fear and resulting sickness of the preaching work the armies of heaven will kill me for refusing this most vital commission at Armageddon. That was the decision that went through my mind: Either God kills me or I do. 

My dog Benjamin was probably one of the few reasons I'm alive today. 

Thank Fuck I woke up!

Religious Freedumb

 Religious freedom often means we are free to be dumb. Believe whatever you like, no matter how far from reality. To children raised in such stupidity that's not freedom. Not when they're threatened with hellfire, Armageddon or some horrific reincarnation if they decide to exercise real freedom and leave. No, that's not freedom that's imprisonment. I've been imprisoned most of my life. Now that I look back on the one and only life I will ever have, one without a fulfilling career (what's the point when the world will end very soon?), without a family with children (I postponed having children until after armageddon, in God's fictitious New World) I am extremely disappointed in how my life turned out. I am consoled to no small degree by my feline family. My cats aren't at all disappointed in me of course. With brains the size of walnuts there's much they can't disapprove of. 

If not for them I wouId truly hate my life. I probably wouldn't be alive without them.